Shanghai Sharks will have a new man calling the shots on the sidelines this season in the form of Dan Panaggio. The fifty-six year old American will replace countryman Bob Donewald, who has decided to dedicate his time towards helping the Chinese national team instigate absolutely massive bench clearing brawls against anyone who looks like they want to come on down and get a piece.
Panaggio enjoyed success as coach of the Quade City Thunder in now defunct Continental Basketball Association, where he went 313-191 during his spell in the Five Cities, winning championships in 1994 and 1998 and being voted coach of the year three times before he left to take an assistant manager job with the Portland Trailblazers, arriving just in time for the high times and big-house baiting sheninigans of the ‘Jail Blazers’ era.
Having left the madness of Portland, Panaggio then had a two year spell as assistant coach with college basketball Jesuit kingpins, Marquette (2005-2006), before then finding employment as the head coach of the D-League team of the LA Lakers and unofficial lifetime owner of the worst pun ever, the LA D-fenders (2007-2010).
Now the signatures have been signed, the club website reports that the new coach, who Chinese basketball fans will be delighted to know looks like he can throw a punch himself, will be flying to Australia to join the Sharks for their preseason today. Not looking to be outdone by Foshan clearing the benches themselves for some mass fisticuffs or Bayi deciding to get large and in charge with Georgetown University, there will be pressure on Panaggio’s new team to find a basketball team who have not had to handle their business against a Chinese basketball team in the last couple of weeks. Scouts have been dispatched to find any sports team aged between 14-55 who might want some trouble but should none be found, it is expected that the Sharks be gathered in be gathered an empty room on Tuesday and ordered to start a fight with that instead.